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 Post subject: Re: [Writing] AwesomenautsAssemble
 Post Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 8:47 pm 
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Dolphinflavored1 wrote:
:leoneyes: Awesome job with the first chapter :thumb:

It's probably a bad time with the second episode (probably) close to being finished, but I think I should give some feedback on the whole thing.
[size=50]forgive me for sounding like a judge/teacher, it's a little condescending just to warn you


You (both) have a great style and a unique take on the characters. I found it interesting that Lonestar was the new guy, but thinking about it after reading it, any other of the first 6 wouldn't have been as interesting.

Right now I think the best thing this story has is its character development. You obviously haven't gotten into the story yet, and the first chapter was only character development, so I can't really judge plot, but I can say that the thing kept me reading was anticipation of what will happen when the characters meet. This is a big thing, because pretty much everyone who plays the game likes (some of) the characters, and that's basically the big draw for any fan writing.
^ That all means that if you keep introducing new characters it will benefit you a lot. The invisible ghost that turned out to be Leon was a nice hook, and it kept me (not knowing that it was limited to the first six) guessing who it could be.
Also the reference to Blabl and the number of rooms was awesome. Seriously, clever.
As for writing/grammar, aside from spelling errors, I feel like some words were awkward. I'll just give an example.

"Clunk scrutinized the item, seemingly checking its authenticity"
The first half is perfect, but the in the second half the word "seemingly" threw me off a little. Descriptions need to be *seemless* :clap: and easy to read. I know I probably sound like a :voltarroll: for picking on this one tiny thing, that might as well just be a result of overlooking something, but it happens a lot. (my fix would be either replacing "authenticity" with a word like validity (something with less syllables will do), or changing "seemingly" with words like discreetly, or carefully) I'll give one more example just to be more of a :voltarroll: .

"“Of course, few stitches there, maybe there too, oh and maybe on top of your-” Froggy began to sweat as he shakily replied."

Shakily is a weird word :tongue: there are lots of ways you can change this so I'm not going to tell you there's only one way but a few ways could be
"Froggy began to sweat as he nervously replied, shaking with fear."
or "Froggy began to sweat as he replied, shaking."
Or maybe even just "Froggy began to sweat as he replied shakily."
The way you phrase it is totally up to you. In fact now that I look at it I can totally understand why you would say shakily replied, and I'm probably just complaining about nothing.
[size=50]I'm such a :voltarroll:

But other than that, the dialogue is spot on in this sentence.

I'm glad someone could finally make something like this and it really turned out great. It's a new kind of format for me but it worked fine. I won't post anything like this again on this thread because you probably get it by now, but I will definitely keep reading with every release. Also I'm sure if you wanted to speed up production that there are plenty of better ways to do it than by whipping the writer :CocoWink: . There's a community full of viewers who are probably more than willing to whip- I mean work to get this released. :scoop:
GL HF


Pleas by all means, post like this for every part if you want! Every comment we get of people liking or hating our stuff fules us with the fire to push forward.

My wrighter appreciates the crit on the gramer and spelling. If you've seen half of my post you know i can't spell too well.

And this goes to anyone else who PMed and assisted my writer after the first post, thank you for caring that much in the product we made together. Tba idk how he feels about that, i can only asume. I'd be horified simply because i dont work in this type of art for a reason. :drone:

I'm just the one drawing and directing the story and project as a whole , and I'm glad you enjoy the format it was in. Presntation is key after all, that too a long time to make.
This episode wasn't actually our first one, we wrote one prior too this one to get a feel of how the project should be. Im glad you enjoy the charaters and how they interact, because plenty more of that willbe coming. But rest asure, plot is coming~


And …commneting on getting more slaves to whip- i mean team members.
Ive been on many projects and i am only letting in people that I know i can reliably depend on.
That said, if anyone does want part PM me or message me threw steam and we can talk for a spell. I can get you on working on the art.
The story we much want to have control over however.

I'm still so baffled how much credit this project is getting still even after months of its first posting. From the bottom of my heart and the teams behalf, thank you :scoop:

We are about 25% completed of episode 2, So pleas stay tuned. :ksenia:

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 Post subject: Re: [Writing] AwesomenautsAssemble
 Post Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 10:33 pm 
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catgame21234 wrote:
We are about 25% completed of episode 2, So pleas stay tuned. :ksenia:


Only 25%? :GnawCry:

I demand we get a better whip! :fist:

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 Post subject: Re: [Writing] AwesomenautsAssemble
 Post Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 11:14 pm 
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Unlucky_Charms wrote:
catgame21234 wrote:
We are about 25% completed of episode 2, So pleas stay tuned. :ksenia:


Only 25%? :GnawCry:

I demand we get a better whip! :fist:


Pls no :GnawShock:

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Awesomenauts Assemble!:http://www.awesomenauts.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=42770


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 Post subject: Re: [Writing] AwesomenautsAssemble
 Post Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 1:22 pm 
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Flaming electric whip that has small poisoned spikes :chew:

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 Post subject: Re: [Writing] AwesomenautsAssemble
 Post Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2016 4:56 am 
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Hey guys and gals, Writer mcperson here, just wanted to once again assert that we aren't dead, and that we are making headway into Episode two, we have about 65% of the work done, but it might be a few more weeks before it is released, so bear with us, again... :facepalm:

And just a heads-up, Episode Two will be spilt up into two parts because it is a pretty big work, so keep that in mind while reading.

That's about it, good day(night, idk your timezones) and see ya in the next Ep!

p.s. Catti says hi

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I am a Console naut fear me
Mains:Voltar :shady: & Swiggins :facepalm:
& Penny :party:
#Awesomenauts Runaway X
Awesomenauts Assemble!:http://www.awesomenauts.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=42770


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 Post subject: Re: [Writing] AwesomenautsAssemble
 Post Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2016 2:39 pm 
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Good to hear it's coming along nicely! Take your time, I'd rather there be less grammar mistakes this time around :P

That's fair enough, does that mean you're ~65% done with both halves or ~65% done with episode 2 and a half? :shady:

Good night/morning!

(Hai Catti! Hope the slave is still keeping up well :tongue: )

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Formerly known as Unlucky_Charms, thanks to the mighty Joost for granting my wish for a name change! :worship:
WE DID IT FORUMS! :party:

My super edgy backstory (Do-nut Steal! :fist:)

God, I've really screwed up haven't I? No hard feelings y'all

Steam


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 Post subject: Re: [Writing] AwesomenautsAssemble
 Post Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2016 2:22 am 
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 Post subject: Re: [Writing] AwesomenautsAssemble
 Post Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2016 3:08 am 
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pyrogamerman wrote:
Image


Image UH OH SPOILERS WITHOUT CONTEXT Image
Image
Heres a work in progress shot :chew:

and it is 65% of part 1 done. The outline for both is finnished.

also hi

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Reifiui wrote:
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